“Garden of Bones” (Season 2 | Episode 4)

WARNING – FULL SPOILERS

Something very painful needs to happen to Joffrey very soon…

If it wasn’t enough to behead Ned Stark and take his daughter as his Queen, the ugly lil’ git decides to humiliate her in front of all of his closest noblemen. It’s fantastic that George R. R. Martin has created a character so awful and despicable that he ticks every box on the protagonist-o-meter, but it doesn’t help the fact that every Monday night I have to fight the urge to punch my TV. Still it could be worse, his evil teddy bear like face could be in 3D. Speaking of revolting things, what the hell was that at the end of the episode? Did she just give birth to that weird smoke monster from LOST? Or was it the creature from Insidious?

In what was another eventful episode, we saw all sorts of action and drama taking place across the map of Westeros. A map that is expanding as vastly as it’s list of characters with yet another two places added to the opening chart – Harrenhal and Qarth (remember it’s pronounced Carth not Qwarth, Dany). No appearances by Jon Snow or Theon this week but at least we got to see a lot more from Daenerys and Rob Stark. As ever Tyrion owned and Peter Dinklage again reminded us why his name comes first in the opening credits, and long may it do so.

Firstly to Rob Stark, I couldn’t help feel sorry for the two fools playing tricks on each other as they rested in the woods. Death by Direwolf is one grizzly, pained filled way to go, especially when you’re in the middle of a slash. What I thought was great about this opening battle was that we didn’t actually see any of it, just a quick attack and then the aftermath on the battlefield. Although the majority of us will tune in to see some gruesome fights and gore filled exchanges, it’s good to see the show skip a few battles so that we don’t expect to see an epic skirmish each week. That way when there is a huge conflict we can enjoy it more, plus this was a great way of showing that it’s just another battle won on the way to King’s Landing for Rob Stark.

It’s turning out to be quite the rampage for the son of Ned and now it seems there’s another challenge on the horizon in the form of a young battlefield nurse. The Silent Sister made a great debut on the show, sticking her political views to the man and not afraid to say what’s in her heart. Her nursing skills were brutal but effective, she saved that fallen soldiers life at the cost of his slowly amputated leg – yeee-ouch.

Garden of Bones was titled in relation to the eerily named area just outside of the city of Qarth, where Daenerys and her dragons are the guests of honour. I’m glad that after four episodes her story is starting to go somewhere and it seems it’s heading into paradise given the preview of this Atlantis-styled city. The thirteen look like a dynamic bunch of figures, one of which looks like he’d be more at home on Supersize Vs Superskinny than GoT, did you see how thin he was? I hope nobody farts in his direction or he might just blow away.

Back in Kings Landing and after Tyrion saves Sansa from Joffrey’s torment (with one of the best lines of the season “that was a threat. See the difference?”) he decides to give a little peace offering for the young King.  Uh oh. You just knew this scene wasn’t going to pan out as it should have, what is wrong with this kid? He’s a young teen being offered two maidens who’ll do whatever he wants and he uses them to send a twisted message to his Uncle. Dude, seriously?

Tyrion once again managed to manipulate someone with his superior IQ and effortlessly coerced his cousin, yet another family member who’s had a piece of his sister, into spying for him. Brilliant, I loved the way he didn’t give a damn about using Pycelle as a bargaining tool, after last week’s mind games he’s willing to throw the old snitch back to his sister.

Arya’s been living one hell of a nightmare on her travels, she’s coping well and it was a surprise to see Tywin Lannister inadvertently save her from the weirdest form of medieval torture you could imagine. What’s in store for her now that she’s in Tywin’s inner circle?

Over to Renly-ville and Littlefinger’s confession of love to Cat was commendable, he’s still a snake in the grass but bringing Ned’s remains to his missus was a decent gesture. And as for the finale, what the hell was that thing? Whatever it was it looks like it could twist the odds in Stannis’ favour over his brother.

This season seems to be getting more in touch with the fantasy element with the reappearance of the white walkers, the dragons and now this shadow, smoke demon err…thing. It’s great to see all this fantasy mixed with carnage because this is such a fun show with such a deadly edge. Bringing the imagination of Tolkien and the violence of Tarantino together in a world of incredible characters is what makes this show such a success.

9/10

Scene of the Episode | One born every minute – Melisandre is a very peculiar character and it was hard to know what to make of her, until now. I have no idea what the hell came out of her but whatever it was it’s going to be a game changer. Poor Davos, if getting pulled up by Stannis on his grammar wasn’t bad enough, he had to witness the birth of that thing.

Reviewed by Rich Jepson, cult TV enthusiast and author of 24: Terrorism Through Television.